I recently saw a post from KQED. Yes, KQED. 😉 It popped up in my feed. In the post, it asked a very interesting question. If you could travel back to just before the pandemic hit, what would you tell your past self? For me, I would say Buckle Up, Buttercup. You’ve been preparing for this your whole life, as has most Gen X’ers. The TV was my sitter/comfort alot growing up. Still is. My mom was a very hard-working single parent trying her best to provide for me. And she did. Above and beyond. So what would I say to myself? I would say to ease up on my son with regards to school. Be aware of the dreaded school loop email showing their grades, but don’t fixate on it. Students will pass this disastrous year. As a bestie said, no kid left behind. They were not prepared for being home for such an extended period of time. They need to see friends, teachers and socialize in person. They will be stronger from this experience, for sure. And probably ready for the corporate world with all of the executive functioning skills they learned and used. But it wasn’t easy on them (or us) by any means. It’s all wild when you think about it. We all share in being a part of historic times. Making it through a global pandemic! Being recipients of a brand new vaccine!

Looking back, I personally wouldn’t change a thing, though. All the baking, cooking, dancing along to DNice in virtual dance parties, mixing cocktails on the daily which probably helped add 20 to my 2020 😬, new found love in Schitt’s Creek, watching all 6 seasons of Dawson’s Creek with my son and having good conversations about it, seeing him wrinkle his face when Joey & Pacey kiss 😆, hearing he actually digs some of the 90’s music, playing board games and just spending QT with our little trio and sweet cat Lily. It was sad and depressing some days, absolutely. We missed seeing our family and close friends immensely. But, luckily, we became stronger and closer sheltering in place together. And boy did we appreciate the little things like eating out when we were safely able to do so. Not having to clean the kitchen, do dishes. And our son was beyond excited to get back to basketball. We all will look back on this time and say wow. Remember when? So, what would YOU tell your past self? What advice would you give?

As a parent, I’m constantly picking up after my son. I know I’m not the only one. I tell him, please look around before you leave an area. Take your dish to the sink, and wash it. Hang up your wet towel. Pick up your clothes off the floor, etc., etc., etc. Parents know the drill. The other day I found the straw plastic wrapper for his Capri Sun on the table. Again. I usually buy bottles of juice but every once in awhile he enjoys Capri Sun “Pacific Cooler” which always was my favorite as a kid too. So I see this wrapper lying there, looking a bit sad for being the discarded boring part of a tasty juice box. And it hits me. Pretty soon, there won’t be these little reminders lying around the house that a tween lives here. So I decided to start collecting all those plastic wrappers to save as a memento. Nah, I’m just kidding. I’m sentimental but that would be a bit nutty. 🤪 But I do take a deep breath in and out. As irritated as I get at having to constantly “nag,” him to clean up after himself, I will miss seeing his things around. The days are long, but the years are short. Except for 2020 which was equivalent to 5 billion years. Hang in there. Try not to sweat the small stuff. I’m still trying. I wonder how Pacific Cooler is with vodka? 🤔🙃

I started walking last March, 2020. I needed more of a push to help me lose weight and feel good about myself, so I signed up for a virtual 10K walk-a-thon. It worked out perfectly as you can do it on your own schedule, solo, or with a friend, socially distancing. Since the beginning of the pandemic, I have also donated to many good causes & charities. And I walked ALOT of miles. I am in the best shape of my life! And I finally lost the baby weight!!! (My kids are now in their 40’s). 🙂 I encourage you to try to make a difference, in some positive way. Make a healthy commitment to yourself and to those in need.

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*Kristell volunteers at an amazing organization Flowers of Comfort in San Jose, CA started by 3 women. It is a wonderful charity that with the help of volunteers, arrange flower bouquets and deliver them to those in hospice care, eldercare and a housing facility. The flowers and vases are fully donated by the community, wholesalers, florists, weddings and corporate events. I love this so much. Want to help? Click here. 🙂

I’ve been dealing with an annoying battle re: our health insurance. I’ve been on the phone back and forth and have spent countless hours trying to resolve it. Every time I stay on hold, I can feel my blood pressure rising and heart beating faster when I have to rehash my “story”, case #, name, addy, SSN etc. Can’t I just speak to the same person prior, please?! I’ve yelled and cussed (offline) but have still managed to remain polite to the many agents I’ve spoken to. Then I hear, no one is available on the weekend so it will have to wait til Monday. I’m ready to snap. And of course, I realize snapping at this customer rep is not going to help and it will literally ruin her day. Who wants to be yelled at? Think about how you would feel if this were a reverse situation. My mind is telling me: Treat others as you want to be treated. I make several points to the rep in a louder tone, calmly but bluntly. I get off the phone, vent to my hubby, and then calm myself down. I take some deep breaths, and remind myself, there’s nothing more I can do right now. Sure, you probably will stew about it a little longer. You’re only human. But do try to ease your mind. This too shall pass. The issue at hand most likely WILL indeed get resolved. It just won’t be today. Take a walk or go on a bike ride. Hang with a loved one or go chill by yourself with your many streamed shows waiting in your queue. Have a glass of wine (or 2) or whatever beverage will make you happy. LET THAT S#!& GO. Don’t let it ruin your day or weekend.

My wish for you and me.

Many months of a heart full of love from your family and friends and from yourself and those hugs we have been missing

Lot of weeks of memories full of daily sightings of nature’s beauty, the work of God and those awesome sunsets

Multiple days of fresh mornings – for plans, hopes, long walks, hugs, dreams, road trips, fun, to try new things, and for beautiful sunrises

Endless hours of wisdom – to focus on the things that really matter in life

All your minutes filled with lots of smiles and laughter

And time in the near future where the seats next to us will no longer be empty 

Let’s make this year extraordinary! ❤

This is a story of a part of the self. The story of a birthmark and a birthright. Let the words flow over you. I am not sure what you will get from it; perhaps nothing. But I hope…something. Fret not if you’re unsure what these words mean or even if it applies to you. It may not. But I encourage you to make your own meaning of it all. Each moment, each day, create more and more meaning. This path will bring greater happiness. I believe that to be true.

Dear self, holding and caring for babies was a somewhat foreign thing in your white middle-class family. On both sides, they were small families. Did this impact their ability to see you? No matter what, have compassion. Especially when there is the ability to forgive; it’s the best path. This is surely different for everyone. Forgiveness is not always the path.  

You were one years old, you walked. You were two, a little fish in the lake on the regular. The greenish/blueish water shaped you. The smell of it comes now, sometimes fresh, sometimes very dense like the earth it sits upon. You were three, you skied on water skies! You smiled and waved and the friends, like family, on the shore. You liked a crowd. You were three, hangin’ in a playpen. You were four, you met your best friend. She was your other half. Maybe you were a bit sad to only have your much bigger brother up to this point? I am sorry if that was the case but now…friends! They will become much of your world and help you sail through each day.

What do we know of close-knit; of showing a child the closeness of family? Does this happen in our white cultures? If it does can it ever be without co-dependency? These are honest true questions. Questions I don’t have the answers to. I would be curious to hear yours. I see it very rarely, a “healthy” boundaried family. Perhaps you have an outlier?

Back to the late ’70s…the best friend was so kind. Her family was lovely and different. They are remembered fondly because they let you be you. And yet, there are so often differences. Perhaps each soul on this earth sees everything from exactly their eyes, their brain, so the differences will emerge. This friend, she held your hand. She played with you every day. She never turned you away. Even when your seven through ten-year-old body wet the bed, she never ever treated you poorly.

Then there is the matter of your birthmark. It’s on your glute, your butt. Only visible at sleepovers or a dance class when you changed in front of others. Girls asked, almost panicked, “what is that on your butt?!” Why do our bodies and our differences make others so uneasy? I think we are all beginning to wake up to these truths. If we had not known these truths before, the differences can be or seem fearful. And this difference you experienced was small. You were so sad that people made fun of this mark. This piece of you. At that age, it appeared larger than life. Today, it’s not big. Now that you are 45, you forget you have it. 

But there was something else. What you were hiding all along, what you didn’t realize you were hiding, was your sexuality. You were so queer. Now that you have been out three years, just wow, it was blatantly clear. Queer, at that time of your birth, in Tennessee, was an insult hurled in dark alleys or likely in plain view. Gay men you knew were literally all accused of sexual assault of some sort. This could not have all been true. Was it? And so you stayed hidden, undetected, unexposed until it was safe. Safe enough.  
queer kwîr
 adj.
Deviating from what is expected or normal; strange.
 adj.
Odd or unconventional, as in behavior; eccentric.

You felt different your whole life and it was not just the birthmark. It was your birthright to be seen. And there was no one to see you. Lesbians? There were none. You looked. Not on TV. Not at the theatre. Gay boys, yes. But no lesbians. There was not a single out lesbian couple anywhere to be seen…until…finally…You were twenty, in NYC. It was glorious to finally see others like you. It was the mark of your birth, to expand into expansive sexuality that would be life-giving. And yet, it would take time. And it would take a marriage and a tween along with it. 

When we are young, we need role models. We need to be reflected upon, loved, and held. When we are adults, we need role models. We need to be reflected upon, loved, and held. No one person has to accept or validate your experience. If you find folks don’t agree or see you, keep looking. Keep moving. Always forward. Well, I have “shown my ass” (as some say in the south) for sure! Thank you for holding this truth.

Love, Hope T.

It’s almost a year now staying at home, quarantining. A YEAR. Personally, I have gone through waves of emotions on the daily. Being a Gen-X’er and an only child growing up, I have always been ok with being on my own, having solitary time. I enjoyed it. But this pandemic has taken a toll. It’s depressing. And I know it has affected my son. He told me it has definitely changed him. We talk freely with each other about how we’re doing. Regardless if you are a self-proclaimed introvert, we humans need to physically see other humans. We are social beings. We need to be able to reach out and hug our loved ones. The other person in our small bubble is my husband. He is not in tune with his emotions. Overall, I would say that he is handling the pandemic pretty well. But is that because he is the “man” of the house and feels that’s how he should portray himself? Granted he has said, of course this all depressing! But then he moves along. He had older parents that died when he was a teen and young adult. There wasn’t a lot of talking/dealing/expressing feelings in his household growing up. It was just a different environment being from another country. He played outside or went to school. Mom cooked and dad worked. No real time for deep convos. So knowing that and knowing him, I paid attention. I know he won’t admit to any “fears,” personally. Or admit he is feeling down for no damn reason. Just the other day, I asked him what was wrong as his mood changed quickly, and he said “Nothing, I’m just irritated.” At 1st I was a little put off by this quick change in his mood and then I reminded myself. The sadness can come on at any time. He doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve like my son and I do. And that’s ok. It’s perfectly normal to feel scared, anxious, sad, concerned during this worrisome and unclear time in our lives. Just the influx of information that changes constantly is enough to make someone feel lost. So knowing he doesn’t like to talk “feelings”, I will show him in other ways. I give him more hugs (but not too many, or he’ll wonder what’s up 😉). I’ll sit with him, even if he’s reading his emails and I’m working on my blog. I’ll watch something he likes that’s uninteresting to me and remind our son to do the same. I’ll let him know I’m here if he ever does want to vent. The hard-shelled, guarded people in your lives. Don’t forget to check on them too. 💓 By: Liv D.

If you feel depressed and need someone to talk to, or know someone you are concerned about, please seek help. NSPL or MHA

I love The Weeknd’s music a lot. And I absolutely love his new song “Save Your Tears.” It has an 80’s OMD vibe to it. He recently was on the American Music Awards performing a few songs from his new album After Hours, and his face was all bandaged up. In his “Save Your Tears” video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXYlFuWEuKI, his face is revealed and it’s shocking. It looks like he’s had plastic surgery done. Like, a lot of it. But it’s just prosthetics and make up. He references in one of his other songs from the album that “all LA girls look the same.” I don’t want to critique people who have had plastic surgery. But I don’t love the idea of us all wanting to look “a certain way; perfect.” Like, what is perfect? The tiny nose, full lips, big eyes? I have to admit something. When I was around 21 or 22, I went to a plastic surgeon to discuss possibly getting a nose job. It scared the living crap out of me when they mentioned having to break my nostril bone. Um, no thank you. Luckily I didn’t do it for many reasons. I finally matured and realized my nose is what makes me unique. That was also with the encouraging words from my mom and good friends. And my son happened to get my nose. I look at him and see a bit of me. 🙂 We have to embrace our unique beauty. We are our own best friends and we need to love ourselves, inside and out. There is no one like you. By: Liv D.

Perimenopause. Good times.

Somewhere between the ages of mid-30’s to 40’s, women have a lovely transition right before menopause. Perimenopause. I questioned friends. What in samhell is that?! “Are you extra moody?” Yes.” Are you feeling more bloat in the tummy on the regular?” Yes.” Are you having a hard time sleeping?” Yes. “Are you having more migraines, regularly.” Yes! Well, you’re on your way to graduating to menopause which officially marks the end of your reproductive years. Who knew there was a pre-hell before the real hell?

There are a lot of symptoms that are the result of the body’s decrease in estrogen. You can have some (hopefully not all) of these: hot flashes, changes in mood, sleepless nights, day and night sweats. I think most of us knew about those. But there’s a list of other strange symptoms. Your body odor can change to a more musky smell. Your urine can emit a more ammonia smell (?!), bone loss. The list goes on and on according to friends and too much reading I did one sleepless night. And it’s extra fun if you’re dealing with any of this during a pandemic and your child is also going through changes in their own body-puberty! My one girlfriend said the bright side to all of this is for her is, NO MORE PERIODS/PADS/TAMPONS. No more pregnancy scares. And she feels a sense of being in a good place, emotionally in her early 50’s.

Hmm, I’m not fully convinced. For some reason it makes me sad. This last stage. Not that I am wanting to have another child. But I guess just knowing that I can’t, soon enough. I don’t like not having control of my own body. Something “telling me how it will be,” you know? But we don’t really have a choice. I guess it will be nice not having to deal with the periods, monthly. I guess.

For further more technical reading: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/perimenopause/symptoms-causes/syc-20354666

Thoughts by: Liv D.