This is a story of a part of the self. The story of a birthmark and a birthright. Let the words flow over you. I am not sure what you will get from it; perhaps nothing. But I hope…something. Fret not if you’re unsure what these words mean or even if it applies to you. It may not. But I encourage you to make your own meaning of it all. Each moment, each day, create more and more meaning. This path will bring greater happiness. I believe that to be true.

Dear self, holding and caring for babies was a somewhat foreign thing in your white middle-class family. On both sides, they were small families. Did this impact their ability to see you? No matter what, have compassion. Especially when there is the ability to forgive; it’s the best path. This is surely different for everyone. Forgiveness is not always the path.  

You were one years old, you walked. You were two, a little fish in the lake on the regular. The greenish/blueish water shaped you. The smell of it comes now, sometimes fresh, sometimes very dense like the earth it sits upon. You were three, you skied on water skies! You smiled and waved and the friends, like family, on the shore. You liked a crowd. You were three, hangin’ in a playpen. You were four, you met your best friend. She was your other half. Maybe you were a bit sad to only have your much bigger brother up to this point? I am sorry if that was the case but now…friends! They will become much of your world and help you sail through each day.

What do we know of close-knit; of showing a child the closeness of family? Does this happen in our white cultures? If it does can it ever be without co-dependency? These are honest true questions. Questions I don’t have the answers to. I would be curious to hear yours. I see it very rarely, a “healthy” boundaried family. Perhaps you have an outlier?

Back to the late ’70s…the best friend was so kind. Her family was lovely and different. They are remembered fondly because they let you be you. And yet, there are so often differences. Perhaps each soul on this earth sees everything from exactly their eyes, their brain, so the differences will emerge. This friend, she held your hand. She played with you every day. She never turned you away. Even when your seven through ten-year-old body wet the bed, she never ever treated you poorly.

Then there is the matter of your birthmark. It’s on your glute, your butt. Only visible at sleepovers or a dance class when you changed in front of others. Girls asked, almost panicked, “what is that on your butt?!” Why do our bodies and our differences make others so uneasy? I think we are all beginning to wake up to these truths. If we had not known these truths before, the differences can be or seem fearful. And this difference you experienced was small. You were so sad that people made fun of this mark. This piece of you. At that age, it appeared larger than life. Today, it’s not big. Now that you are 45, you forget you have it. 

But there was something else. What you were hiding all along, what you didn’t realize you were hiding, was your sexuality. You were so queer. Now that you have been out three years, just wow, it was blatantly clear. Queer, at that time of your birth, in Tennessee, was an insult hurled in dark alleys or likely in plain view. Gay men you knew were literally all accused of sexual assault of some sort. This could not have all been true. Was it? And so you stayed hidden, undetected, unexposed until it was safe. Safe enough.  
queer kwîr
 adj.
Deviating from what is expected or normal; strange.
 adj.
Odd or unconventional, as in behavior; eccentric.

You felt different your whole life and it was not just the birthmark. It was your birthright to be seen. And there was no one to see you. Lesbians? There were none. You looked. Not on TV. Not at the theatre. Gay boys, yes. But no lesbians. There was not a single out lesbian couple anywhere to be seen…until…finally…You were twenty, in NYC. It was glorious to finally see others like you. It was the mark of your birth, to expand into expansive sexuality that would be life-giving. And yet, it would take time. And it would take a marriage and a tween along with it. 

When we are young, we need role models. We need to be reflected upon, loved, and held. When we are adults, we need role models. We need to be reflected upon, loved, and held. No one person has to accept or validate your experience. If you find folks don’t agree or see you, keep looking. Keep moving. Always forward. Well, I have “shown my ass” (as some say in the south) for sure! Thank you for holding this truth.

Love, Hope T.